Hey fam, it’s Fred here. Today I want to share a special story with you from a mother of one of our former patients. The patient was an FTM and had surgery at Yanhee Hospital. Here is a message she has to all of you who have a relative or a friend who is transgendered.
We’ve left out names to honor the privacy of those concerned.
This is a mother’s thoughts:
Riding the waves of life
“Winter of 1976 is the time when my journey as a mother started.
I remember that I probably was like most of you mothers out there. Right after my beautiful baby was born, I had to inspect the entire newborn to make sure all the parts were there. You mothers you know! I can remember the sweet smell of the newborn baby. Putting my finger in the little hand that was grabbing and trying to hold on to my finger was the first game my baby and I played together. It was amazing to me how this little newborn baby instinctively was holding on to my finger.
Precious moments like these we mothers always remember!
Everybody was telling me that I would have a boy and I kind of believed it. This was in the mid 70′s. Then all you could do is wait till the baby was born to be sure if it is a boy or girl.
I heard the nurse telling me it’s a girl. My first question “ is everything alright with the baby”?.
Well this has been many years ago and as some of you might suspect there is much more to the story.
My message is to all of you who kindly want to read this blog. But first of all it is to all of you mothers who might share a similar fate, like that of mine.
Now I have to confess to you that my precious little baby girl, the girl that I have loved and shared those wonderful and precious moments with, those moments you mothers can relate to, this very “girl” that I wanted to dress up so cute in pink and lacy dresses, this weird “girl” wanted to dress like a boy.
Over the years I had to admit that “my daughter” did act at times in strange ways that are not becoming for a girl.
My experience also was that sometimes in places like for example the grocery store people would say: “oh what a cute little boy”, and I always was ready just like a mother hen to defend my child and to correct them and say:” but this is a little girl!”.
I have got offended a little sometimes, thinking those people are crazy, it’s plain to see that my baby is a girl! Yet, I had to admit to myself however, that my” daughter” acted like what is called a tomboy. I reassured myself by saying , you just wait till she starts to date a boy when she is 18 or so, she will turn out to be a “normal” woman just like we woman all are, totally normal and being in love with a man.
Sometimes in a quiet moment it bothered me however, especially when my mind drifted off to a time when I was a little girl. I was thinking about this boyish looking “girl” that acted like a tomboy and I also remembered “her” always playing ball with the boys, I remember thinking, feeling and acting very different and ………. and what I also remembered was how the other children and even grown up people talked about” her” – that memory was what made my heart beat a little faster and that very memory is what made my heart feel a distinct pain – so that I courageously dismissed this thought quickly and reassured myself that my “daughter” is a normal girl and besides ” she” looks really pretty.
There is no chance for my ” daughter” to have anything in common with my childhood memory, no way – “my daughter” is totally normal, she just happened to be one of those girls who like boy stuff. What’s so wrong with that. Didn’t you hear of women before who do things that man normally do. Like when it comes down to certain jobs. Oh well big deal!
I figured we live in a day and age where women have equal rights to men, so it’s probably no big deal for my child to play with boy toys and act like a boy.
“My daughter” may act a little strange sometimes, but she is a total normal girl, yes I tried to convince myself at times. It’s just a phase, it’s just growing pains.
But something gnawed at me in the back of my mind, because ever since I can remember, my child has always thought and acted in what you’d call a male gender.
I can remember when my baby was just 4 years old, throwing out the dolls I got “her”. These were my favorite dolls that I grew up with and I gave them to “her” thinking that she would be excited. Instead, “she” threw them out the window and told me that dolls are boring and that teddy bears are better.
Children…what do they know, right? So throughout the years, Christmas, birthdays, I always gave “her” nice things like dollhouses, dolls, a mini electric stove, a mini ironing board. But somehow, “she” and her friends would take play guns and shoot at the dolls and use the make up to draw blood on their faces. I did not know this was going on with my precious dolls until I walked in on the kids one day shooting at the dolls and playing war!
I was shocked! I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but my child sure was strange, so I thought. I didn’t know anything about transgenderism. I thought it was all the same, gays and homosexuals, perversions. Surely my child is not like this. NO!
This is only the beginning of my journey that led up to an experience that I was not prepared for – that I could not be prepared for, because it was something that I did not even know existed.
It may well start around the time when “ my daughter” was 18 or so. I remember that she always was very complicated. I could not understand some of her moods.” She” was a loner, and very reserved. “. “She” wore horrible and ugly hairstyles to make herself not attractive to boys – that was her explanation. There were some boys that wanted to date but “her” interest was in girls.
Oh my goodness – we were very devout Christians. What in the world did we do wrong?
I lived a decent live. My husband and I were married for a long time and there where no marital problems. We had several discussions and we where sitting down with the bible as a “Christian family” to put some sense into my child’s head.
If we prayed enough together as a family and studied the bible together, we could solve this. With God nothing is impossible.
We had to go so far to tell my (the elders told us) “daughter” to leave the house, since we cannot tolerate homosexuality.
Although, we knew it wasn’t quite the same as homosexuality, anything out of the norm was considered automatically evil by our religious teachings.
It is a horrible feeling to be told by your elders, pastors, preacher, who are supposed to represent God, that your child is evil and deserving of destruction from God.
You ask yourself, how you could have given birth to such a person. You can’t believe your own child, that came from your own flesh and blood, that you watched grow up, that this child is evil.
I would not wish that on anyone. You cannot imagine the daily heartbreak, crying, guilt and depression I felt as a mother about this. How can God who is infinite love, want to destroy my child for anything???
These were the worst times in our lives. Often I kept thinking I need to be like god – god is love.
I need to understand and love my child. Does not God understand us and love us? Why are we hearing a different message? We have to separate ourselves from others, we have to judge others, while we are forgetting to take a really good look at ourselves. WHY?
I have went against the teaching of our religion, went against the governing elders, went against the authorities of our church, and I have been the mother that I should be to MY CHILD! I WILL NEVER REGRET THIS – this was a really wise decision!
To keep myself short, I found out since then that “my daughter” is my son after all and I am here to tell you that I love my son with all my heart.
There are feelings and behaviors that a little toddler simply cannot fake, so I know my child is telling me the truth, because I have seen him with my own eyes since he was just a baby.
Transgenderism is not the same as homosexuality. One has to do with a preference for romantic relationships, the other has to do with your Identity.
I left the church and I would not join any religious organization again even if a horse would hit me. I have read a lot and thought a lot about the question who really is God and how should we live our live while we here?
I have come to my own conclusion! I know one thing for sure, we should love our children and help them along in life. This is a definite obligation and it brings happy moments to our families that cannot be bought with money.
It does not matter if our children are girls or boys or somewhat in between. God is unconditional love, Jesus loved all and not just tolerated them, but formed close loving bonds with tax collectors and murderers.
It took this mother a lifetime to understand and know this simple truth, God is literally Love. Hopefully, this story can help people all over the world understand this a little more.
To you, who are transgendered, please have patience with your family and friends. This is really painful for them, especially for moms. Try to have more love and patience for others as you transition.
To you, who are family and friends, please if you cannot understand, it’s ok. You don’t have to understand, but you should continue to show nothing but love and compassion. Some things in life will remain mysteries, and the key is not to gain understanding, but to grow in love and compassion.
Be good to yourselves and to others.
- A mother’s reflection”